Friday, July 11, 2008

god, death and irritability

I have never seen god but believe I see him everywhere. It just seems as though he is in everything, in every leaf, in every pool of blood. i cannot accept that god shares my morality. It seems to me that god is a big-titted satan, all bulging with all imperfections in her fat body, somehow more than everything in the world and universe and yet somehow different, somehow like a kind of invisible blood that runs through all moments, or is not part of any moment. And what use is there anyway in trying to define god, I could never do it. I am not god, although I might be borrowing some of his property. And why ask but because of looming death. Were I not to die, if I lived for ever, what motive could I possibly have for worrying if I’d figured everything out or not. But knowing that at some point I may die… suppose everyone knew the hour of their death, would they behave better or worse? Who cares, people are only slightly smarter than dolphins and a hundred times as dangerous. The fact that people are dangerous might be the only reason they are at all interesting. If people were harmless there might be more tv shows about turtles. Theyre nicer.

And here we are at the lip of the 21st century, enlightened and all that etcetera. Yet somehow I feel alone in talking directly about god and death. Because I am not here to tell you something someone told me, which often seems to be religion’s only activity. I have a hard time finding people who just want to talk about god and death. Funny, two of the three most important subjects for the human being, and all anyone can handle is the third: love. But we have abused the concept of love so much the only way to really love someone anymore is a rebellion. What I mean by that is love becomes a platitude when its only a blanket against loneliness. Look at all the horseshit about loving people, it’s always offered as a solution to YOUR problems, not as a truly natural casual un-thought, un-planned gesture of unconditional supreme affection from one lost mortal soul to another, but as a constructive, progressive, a bedrock of values and morality and every unethical commandment written by moses all dripping down the lips of the guard dog who protects you from the hysteria of death and darkness.

We need a new religion in this country, one where god is symbolized by a rotten banana peel lying in the gutter. Or maybe a glut of syringes and soaked brown paper bags, just so we all know that we are not allowed to pretend that god is going to sanitize our lives. So we know we have to worship everything or nothing, but not something. Not the dread something that is sure to piss on everything living and fragile.

And death? Well, old death… you must admit its strange to be alive. Think of the eight year old who dies. Imagine being here long enough to believe in santa claus but maybe not long enough to realize he’s fake. Imagine a little beautiful life of playgrounds, and the sky as big as the universe, where adults are giants who make magic, and never growing into that part where the giants are short… strange huh? That is as much our lives as it is the eight year old’s. why do they say it is a trajedy that an eight year old dies? Sounds like a sweet deal to me, a world pregnant with magic sustained. Finally. Ive been trying to do that my entire adult life. No one believes me, and they keep doing their best to disprove it. Now as ugly and mean as life can get, as grotesque and ironic, I still stand with anne frank in the notion that people are basically good but I will do her one better as she is not here to tell us, that life is basically unbelieveably beautiful if only we weren’t such assholes.

How much strength can I put in your heart. Because that’s what I mean to do. Lets not kid ourselves here, im not just trying to impress you. Im getting at something here. we beat around the bush so often. No, we pissed away enough life on that. I want you and me to be brave enough for the fight ahead. I want us to believe in something new. Yes, new. Something holy, something that we can ruin but will take us a good five centuries while it goes to work. The first rule is that god is everything and more than everything. In fact, god is god. The second rule is that our bodies and souls come from mother earth, who also comes from god. The third rule is that as pieces of earth, we are all equal, and by we I mean trees and flowers and you and me and cirrus clouds. There is nothing to fight over except for HOW LONG WILL WE LET CRAZY PEOPLE RUN OUR LIVES?

But back to death (always back to death) which is a hard thing to explain to you – you who should be sitting in the woods to hear this. If I have one piece of advice it is go sit in the woods to really think. But yes death. We fuck to run from death? No – just in the interim between being bored and dying sex feels good. End of story. Everything else is being bashed over the head. But yes death. Disappearing from planet earth. Vacating the body. Suddenly all the lights go out in the eyes. The arms wilt like the stems of a dead flower. Suddenly they can answer no more questions, suddenly they can solve no more mysteries with the simple warmth of the hug. They are gone. A cruel trick. What would play such a cruel trick, and why do humans get so enthusiastic about doing it to each other? Great mysteries. Welcome to earth.